Yes this is about the movie… hehe
A friend shared with me her professor’s insight. According to her, he said that even though two people love each other so much they still need space.
True. Isn’t it that if we stare at something that’s held too close to our face our vision of the object gets obscured. Much is true with any relationship I believe. It is either we project ourselves to the other, we take control because we want them to be like us. Or we are the ones who let the other take control over us, we just conform to the needs and wants of the other and we end up losing our identity in their shadow. It depends which side of the fence are we in.
Sometimes too because of too much intimacy (too much intimacy, is this the right term? but you know what i mean), the special things that a person does to us become too ordinary when we’re so used to it. Much worse, the person who used to be so special to us becomes too familiar and eventually gets taken for granted.
My own insight: we may love someone so much yet still choose to hurt the person. Sometimes it is our “love” that even causes the pain, whether for good or for bad reasons, whether consciously or unconsciously.
I am both an offender as well as a victim of love, in my relationships with God and with people. Until now I cannot understand why loving could be so painful yet so wonderfully beautiful. I remember a txt message from a hopeless romantic friend, it says: loving could be very painful, but it’s so amazing to know that no matter how hard it is, loving is still the simplest and best way why you find yourself moving on... well, it is our choice whether to let our feelings of guilt or of fear of being hurt cripple us or make us bitter in love. i'd say go for broke! ...hahaha easier said than done i know. but with God's grace, we can see it through.
“Love and get hurt. Get hurt and learn. Learn and love again.”
Eeew… :)
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
Timing
I was practicing my guitar strumming the other night, keeping in mind what a well-meaning passerby in the classroom earlier told me, that if I know how to dance strumming would come easier for me because it’s all about timing… Timing, timing, timing…
I do dance but why isn’t this easy for me, I was already getting frustrated. As I lay in bed I continued to be bothered by my strumming. I tried to conduct with my hands while singing… 4/4… 3/4... and I just suddenly remembered my elementary years.
In my school back then, students are the ones who lead in the flag ceremony. There is always someone asked to “beat,” to be the conductor. I realized that I was never asked to beat nor did I volunteer for it… precisely because I hardly attended the flag ceremony! Now that’s a different kind of timing I thought.
Yes, I was notorious for being always late for school. Shame on me talaga! My motto then was “Better late than never” hahaha! Seriously, I was always being called by the Guidance Counselor. Well, expectedly, I did get suspended for repeated tardiness. Honestly, I’m still thinking why it was so hard to break the habit. Where could it be coming from? Apart from over-sleeping I feel like there’s something deeper in my unconscious. Being in formation where discernment is, and should be, a way of life I have learned to ask: Where is this coming from?
Anyway, I carried on the reputation until college. I had this one professor whom I kidded that I lived far from the city and had to commute to school for more than an hour that was why I was always late for my 7:40am class with him. I never thought he took me seriously. One day after class he asked me if I really lived far from the city because he saw me waiting for a ride along the highway near our house which was actually just a few minutes from the university. Apparently he had checked my address from the department’s files. Hahaha! Mabuti nalang friends kami kaya hindi ako dinebar!
Another professor, on our last meeting for the semester, told the whole class “Ok, we’ll wait for Ms. Oñate to lead the closing prayer.” Well, kwento na lang ‘to ng classmate ko kasi I didn’t show up that day…why?...because I was so late I decided not to go in. Am I not pathetic? But had I known my professor waited for me I would have gone in even for the closing prayer… Hahaha! Kapal tlga!
Even if I laugh about my “misconduct,” I feel guilty about it (promise!). I struggled so much to get out of it, you know it’s that kind of thing you promise to change as the clock strikes 12 and a new year comes. For years I did that, frustratingly to no avail. Surprisingly though, as I got more in touch with myself I discovered that there are certain activities or circumstances that gets me up right on time, even early, always. Like how I was never late for mass, except for unforeseen delays. So being late was truly a choice I was making subconsciously. And having known that I knew I had a choice what to do about it.
Change of course is not possible without God’s grace. As I continued to pray about my “malady” I noticed that I was gaining progress. In fairness from 15 down to 2 minutes na lang haha! Seriously, I have somehow learned timing, time-management and honoring the time of others as I continue to struggle. I may be a slow-learner in this aspect but I know God will see me through.
Now I need to learn strumming.
I do dance but why isn’t this easy for me, I was already getting frustrated. As I lay in bed I continued to be bothered by my strumming. I tried to conduct with my hands while singing… 4/4… 3/4... and I just suddenly remembered my elementary years.
In my school back then, students are the ones who lead in the flag ceremony. There is always someone asked to “beat,” to be the conductor. I realized that I was never asked to beat nor did I volunteer for it… precisely because I hardly attended the flag ceremony! Now that’s a different kind of timing I thought.
Yes, I was notorious for being always late for school. Shame on me talaga! My motto then was “Better late than never” hahaha! Seriously, I was always being called by the Guidance Counselor. Well, expectedly, I did get suspended for repeated tardiness. Honestly, I’m still thinking why it was so hard to break the habit. Where could it be coming from? Apart from over-sleeping I feel like there’s something deeper in my unconscious. Being in formation where discernment is, and should be, a way of life I have learned to ask: Where is this coming from?
Anyway, I carried on the reputation until college. I had this one professor whom I kidded that I lived far from the city and had to commute to school for more than an hour that was why I was always late for my 7:40am class with him. I never thought he took me seriously. One day after class he asked me if I really lived far from the city because he saw me waiting for a ride along the highway near our house which was actually just a few minutes from the university. Apparently he had checked my address from the department’s files. Hahaha! Mabuti nalang friends kami kaya hindi ako dinebar!
Another professor, on our last meeting for the semester, told the whole class “Ok, we’ll wait for Ms. Oñate to lead the closing prayer.” Well, kwento na lang ‘to ng classmate ko kasi I didn’t show up that day…why?...because I was so late I decided not to go in. Am I not pathetic? But had I known my professor waited for me I would have gone in even for the closing prayer… Hahaha! Kapal tlga!
Even if I laugh about my “misconduct,” I feel guilty about it (promise!). I struggled so much to get out of it, you know it’s that kind of thing you promise to change as the clock strikes 12 and a new year comes. For years I did that, frustratingly to no avail. Surprisingly though, as I got more in touch with myself I discovered that there are certain activities or circumstances that gets me up right on time, even early, always. Like how I was never late for mass, except for unforeseen delays. So being late was truly a choice I was making subconsciously. And having known that I knew I had a choice what to do about it.
Change of course is not possible without God’s grace. As I continued to pray about my “malady” I noticed that I was gaining progress. In fairness from 15 down to 2 minutes na lang haha! Seriously, I have somehow learned timing, time-management and honoring the time of others as I continue to struggle. I may be a slow-learner in this aspect but I know God will see me through.
Now I need to learn strumming.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
For Nino...
Only very few of my close friends know of my relationship with Nino… but I feel like I should by this time open up about it (and give him justice.)
Nino came at the right time in my life. Corny man but “How Did You Know” is one of our songs. We easily hit it off. Simple walks turn to unforgettable moments. He’s not really my type, that is if I would compare him to the previous ones I’ve had…but he’s quite a looker, in fairness lng and may breeding hehe. And he has very endearing qualities – funny, full of surprises, smart, just to name a few.
Our relationship was not always sunshiney…we also had gloomy days and sometimes we fight like cats and dogs. Oftentimes his moodiness gets in the way. One moment he’s sweet and playful and then suddenly he would just play deaf and mute. He can be very expressive but he can also be as indifferent as a poste. During these moments I would just let him be. But in my mind I would come up with different reasons like maybe I did something wrong or maybe he’s not feeling well or maybe he just had a bad day out there.
But even if he’s some kind of “abno” I love him just the same. I also know that he loves me, because he makes me feel special. No one has ever shown me love like he did. Well, I don’t intend to write every detail of that here… but I guess I just want to relive his memory and our happy days together… I miss Nino so much. I miss him more than ever because I am often alone and surrounded by silence… but what can I do? I had already given him up… not because I want to…but because I had to. I did it before things get out of hand and before we start hurting and inflicting wounds on each other. How my heart was breaking to see him go… I was crying and so was he… and that hurts me more – to see him crying.
After that day, almost a year now have passed, I never saw him again. Yes, I’ve moved on with my life, in fact I’ve also moved into a new place… but I don’t think I will ever find another Nino in my life again…and even if I would, Nino will be irreplaceable.
P.S. Pina- pick-up ko sa city dog pound c Nino kc kinagat nya c Dave…
ako rin muntik nya nang kagatin…huhuhu… dba painful yun? Tama lng nman yung ginawa ko dba? hehehe… I miss you Nino!!!
Nino came at the right time in my life. Corny man but “How Did You Know” is one of our songs. We easily hit it off. Simple walks turn to unforgettable moments. He’s not really my type, that is if I would compare him to the previous ones I’ve had…but he’s quite a looker, in fairness lng and may breeding hehe. And he has very endearing qualities – funny, full of surprises, smart, just to name a few.
Our relationship was not always sunshiney…we also had gloomy days and sometimes we fight like cats and dogs. Oftentimes his moodiness gets in the way. One moment he’s sweet and playful and then suddenly he would just play deaf and mute. He can be very expressive but he can also be as indifferent as a poste. During these moments I would just let him be. But in my mind I would come up with different reasons like maybe I did something wrong or maybe he’s not feeling well or maybe he just had a bad day out there.
But even if he’s some kind of “abno” I love him just the same. I also know that he loves me, because he makes me feel special. No one has ever shown me love like he did. Well, I don’t intend to write every detail of that here… but I guess I just want to relive his memory and our happy days together… I miss Nino so much. I miss him more than ever because I am often alone and surrounded by silence… but what can I do? I had already given him up… not because I want to…but because I had to. I did it before things get out of hand and before we start hurting and inflicting wounds on each other. How my heart was breaking to see him go… I was crying and so was he… and that hurts me more – to see him crying.
After that day, almost a year now have passed, I never saw him again. Yes, I’ve moved on with my life, in fact I’ve also moved into a new place… but I don’t think I will ever find another Nino in my life again…and even if I would, Nino will be irreplaceable.
P.S. Pina- pick-up ko sa city dog pound c Nino kc kinagat nya c Dave…
ako rin muntik nya nang kagatin…huhuhu… dba painful yun? Tama lng nman yung ginawa ko dba? hehehe… I miss you Nino!!!
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
choices...choices
Finally I was able to see Spiderman 3! I love Spiderman!...maybe because for the past two episodes Peter Parker has been dealing with discernment issues that I too was going through. The last time he was torn between embracing his identity, his mission as Spiderman and his own personal happiness, to be with Mary Jane…Discernment can be mentally and emotionally excruciating especially when you are choosing between two good things. Fulfilling one’s mission is everybody’s calling, and so is pursuing one’s own happiness and loving and being loved…but then if we are made to choose between the two, our choice will ultimately be determined by what we value most in life.
Spiderman 3 is also about choices but this time it’s between good and evil. They say there is no need for discernment here because it is imperative that we choose what is good… That is if we easily “detect” what is evil from what is good. Most of the time the evil deceives us in subtle ways, presenting itself behind a mask of seemingly good and noble intentions… “like sheep in wolves’ clothing.” In the movie, Peter is faced with a tough opponent, Sandman, who they found out later was his Uncle Ben’s killer. Spiderman got a beating from Sandman, yes, he was strong and he was a threat to the people of New York. And so Peter decided to put on his new black suit which, as he discovered, gave him more strength and speed however makes him irascible too. True, he needed the extra power to fight Sandman who was a “bad man” but what his heart was shouting was vengeance for his Uncle Ben. But when Peter decided to put on the black suit it was not without thought; that is why the scene where he was choosing which of the two chests he would open is significant. We always have a choice.
The choice that Peter made would later take an influence on his succeeding choices – the choice to humiliate this photo-journalist Eddie and to antagonize him further by dating his girl, the choice to scorn MJ in the jazz bar, the choice to be viciously brutal in with Harry with his words (“he despised you…you were an embarrassment to him.”) and their physical combat which left Harry’s face disfigured. Well, it is easy to justify Peter’s choices when we look at how he was “wounded” by these people, nonetheless, he had a choice what to do with his anger. I like the scenes when he would stop every time he does those nasty things and put his hand on his chest and touch his black suit. It shows that he was conscious of what he was doing, perhaps something inside him just doesn’t feel right when he’s being bad. That is our conscience. The good thing is when he realized the consequences of his previous choices, he chose to change course, he chose to do what was good and what was “right.” Same thing goes for Sandman and Harry. [And perhaps MJ too, I guess. Well, she could have chosen not to forgive Peter but she chose to stuck it out with him, out of love. (of course can’t be w/o the kilig part hehe).] It’s not easy to break off with our bad side though, especially when it has already taken root in us. Just like Eddie, he chose to stay bad…”I like being bad. It makes me happy” he said. But one thing is for sure, we are always given the grace to have a choice, a hope, and the capacity to transcend beyond our present circumstances…if we only allow it even just a tiny bit of chance to speak. If only we get to listen to that still small voice deep down in our heart everytime we make a choice.
Truly, “the greatest battle lies within.” The ending lines of Peter are just perfect to end this blog: “Whatever comes our way, whatever battle we have raging inside us, we always have a choice. My friend Harry taught me that. He chose to be the best of himself. It’s the choices that make us who we are, and we can always choose to do what’s right.”
Spiderman 3 is also about choices but this time it’s between good and evil. They say there is no need for discernment here because it is imperative that we choose what is good… That is if we easily “detect” what is evil from what is good. Most of the time the evil deceives us in subtle ways, presenting itself behind a mask of seemingly good and noble intentions… “like sheep in wolves’ clothing.” In the movie, Peter is faced with a tough opponent, Sandman, who they found out later was his Uncle Ben’s killer. Spiderman got a beating from Sandman, yes, he was strong and he was a threat to the people of New York. And so Peter decided to put on his new black suit which, as he discovered, gave him more strength and speed however makes him irascible too. True, he needed the extra power to fight Sandman who was a “bad man” but what his heart was shouting was vengeance for his Uncle Ben. But when Peter decided to put on the black suit it was not without thought; that is why the scene where he was choosing which of the two chests he would open is significant. We always have a choice.
The choice that Peter made would later take an influence on his succeeding choices – the choice to humiliate this photo-journalist Eddie and to antagonize him further by dating his girl, the choice to scorn MJ in the jazz bar, the choice to be viciously brutal in with Harry with his words (“he despised you…you were an embarrassment to him.”) and their physical combat which left Harry’s face disfigured. Well, it is easy to justify Peter’s choices when we look at how he was “wounded” by these people, nonetheless, he had a choice what to do with his anger. I like the scenes when he would stop every time he does those nasty things and put his hand on his chest and touch his black suit. It shows that he was conscious of what he was doing, perhaps something inside him just doesn’t feel right when he’s being bad. That is our conscience. The good thing is when he realized the consequences of his previous choices, he chose to change course, he chose to do what was good and what was “right.” Same thing goes for Sandman and Harry. [And perhaps MJ too, I guess. Well, she could have chosen not to forgive Peter but she chose to stuck it out with him, out of love. (of course can’t be w/o the kilig part hehe).] It’s not easy to break off with our bad side though, especially when it has already taken root in us. Just like Eddie, he chose to stay bad…”I like being bad. It makes me happy” he said. But one thing is for sure, we are always given the grace to have a choice, a hope, and the capacity to transcend beyond our present circumstances…if we only allow it even just a tiny bit of chance to speak. If only we get to listen to that still small voice deep down in our heart everytime we make a choice.
Truly, “the greatest battle lies within.” The ending lines of Peter are just perfect to end this blog: “Whatever comes our way, whatever battle we have raging inside us, we always have a choice. My friend Harry taught me that. He chose to be the best of himself. It’s the choices that make us who we are, and we can always choose to do what’s right.”
Saturday, April 28, 2007
loneliness and solitude
The past two weeks have been grueling for both my mind and spirit. I have never sought for solitude, and have never stayed in it so long before like I did the past weeks …
You know that feeling when you just want to isolate yourself from people, when you just want to be in a far far hidden place to have space and time to think and reflect on your thoughts, to feel and examine your feelings; when every experience, every thought and feeling becomes a loud resonating sound inside your head and heart that even if you don’t want to listen you just couldn’t escape it? I guess the most excruciating part of being in solitude is sorting and sifting the different voices within and recognizing that which comes from deep deep within your true self… well, the question of who your true self is is also another struggle to begin with.
I have often feared silence and being alone with myself because of what I might find in myself… “will I meet a friend or ghost I left behind?” It is not that I have never been in solitude and have never gone into myself, but it’s just that the self is so mysterious and full of surprises… there are still so many things we do not know about our selves.
True enough, my recent days of chosen solitude has surfaced many fears, issues and what not. And yet the experience has also led me to profound insights and realizations, taking me further to self-awareness and most importantly leading me closer to my God.
From the Letters to A Young Poet, Rainier Maria Rilke wrote: “It is so important to be solitary and attentive when one is sad…the quieter we are, the more patient and open we are in our sadness, the more deeply and serenely the new presence can enter us…”
Solitude is my new-found friend. In it I discovered this paradox: that whenever I feel lonely I just have to be alone; and in my solitude I will feel that I am not alone.
Although I know I have so much to learn about the disciplines of solitude, and of prayer and discernment, but I realized and I am assured that God always meets me where I am.
You know that feeling when you just want to isolate yourself from people, when you just want to be in a far far hidden place to have space and time to think and reflect on your thoughts, to feel and examine your feelings; when every experience, every thought and feeling becomes a loud resonating sound inside your head and heart that even if you don’t want to listen you just couldn’t escape it? I guess the most excruciating part of being in solitude is sorting and sifting the different voices within and recognizing that which comes from deep deep within your true self… well, the question of who your true self is is also another struggle to begin with.
I have often feared silence and being alone with myself because of what I might find in myself… “will I meet a friend or ghost I left behind?” It is not that I have never been in solitude and have never gone into myself, but it’s just that the self is so mysterious and full of surprises… there are still so many things we do not know about our selves.
True enough, my recent days of chosen solitude has surfaced many fears, issues and what not. And yet the experience has also led me to profound insights and realizations, taking me further to self-awareness and most importantly leading me closer to my God.
From the Letters to A Young Poet, Rainier Maria Rilke wrote: “It is so important to be solitary and attentive when one is sad…the quieter we are, the more patient and open we are in our sadness, the more deeply and serenely the new presence can enter us…”
Solitude is my new-found friend. In it I discovered this paradox: that whenever I feel lonely I just have to be alone; and in my solitude I will feel that I am not alone.
Although I know I have so much to learn about the disciplines of solitude, and of prayer and discernment, but I realized and I am assured that God always meets me where I am.
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